Tara had me listen to this song the other night by Say Anything called Cemetery. We were driving in her car, it was dark. At first I listened to it and it was good, but then I wanted to read the lyrics while listening to it. I cried. Its not such a sad song for the person he wrote it for, its just sad for me. Let me share the lyrics with you.

There's a cemetery deep below the sea;
There the space is reserved for fools like me.
Tried to kill myself at least a dozen times,
But nothing seemed to turn out right.

Now I'd rather wait a half-a-century
Soiling the bed all belligerent and wrinkly
Even when I go blind and lose my mind,
Nothing seems to turn out right.
Something's got to turn out right.

If you want, then when we die,
We'll ascend to some place way up high.
At the gate, they'll show you through.
If they ask me, I'm with you.

You're in my body,
You're, You're in my body.
You're in my body,
That's where I think about you.

In my body,
You're, you're in my body.
You're in my body,
That's where

There's no one that imagines like you,
So convinced there's somewhere that we go to;
Not a first-class trip to the abyss
Tell me, do you still feel this?
Tell me, do you still feel this?

As I drown in lakes of fire,
I will call your name as I expire.
It's the last thing that I'll do.
I will tell them I'm with you

You're in my body,
You're, you're in my body.
You're in my body,
That's where I think about you.

In my body,
You're, you're in my body.
You're in my body,
That's where

Falling asleep, asleep at the wheel
As I approach that cliff, I'm starting to feel
If you could wake me up with only a touch,
I could die with you. Life would be enough.

Falling asleep, asleep at the wheel
As I approach that cliff, I'm starting to feel
If you could wake me up with only a touch,
I could die with you. Life would be enough.

When I face the one who made
My disgusting heart from a lump of clay,
Should he ask what got me through,
If he asks me, it was you.

You're in my body,
You're, you're in my body.
You're in my body,
That's where I think about you.

In my body,
You're, you're in my body.
You're in my body,
That's where I think about you.

In my body,
You're, you're in my body.
You're in my body,
That's where I think about you.

From what I understand its about his wife and Heaven. apparently the singer, Max Bemis, is an atheist and doesnt believe in Heaven, where as his wife is a Christian and does believe in Heaven. There are 2 things that make me sad, but also bittersweet.

1. He says that once they get to that gate he will tell them he is with you, I wonder if he is hoping that her faith will save him, there are scripture references that back that idea up, but aside from those its just sad to me, because I dont think he will be able to "piggy back" her faith.

2. He says "Life would be enough" Thats so sweet, to me its like I love you soooo much that Heaven cant get any better. Almost as if to say would spend the rest of my eternity in hell or in the abyss if it just means I could spend my lie with you. Its beautiful, its sweet and romantic. But I wonder how his wife deals with it....Its so hard for me. I KNow that heaven wil blow my mind and it will be beautifl and amazing, but life with out tara there just isnt enough.

THis is an amazing and powerful song. I really hope whoever reads this will go and give it a listen. Its really good.,

Day one, I didnt smoke the last cigarette till around 7pm.  I wsa trying to put it off bcause I knew it was going to be the last one.  so here i am 4 and ahlf hours later, and so far its a peice of cake, but I am SURE it will be hard over the next few days.  I dont know if it is just a cultural myth because of movies, but i have heard that it takes 28 days to break an addiction.  I hope that that is all it lasts.  For the record I dont mean I will never smoke again, but I for sure dont want to smoke for the next 28 days and then after that I only want to smoke if i am drinking, in moderation of course.

My roomates offered me to smoke some weed tonight and I turned them down.  That was pretty hard, cause i have never been one to turn down a free smoke session.  Especially after they were pushin me to, and even came back a few hours later and offered again.  They smoke in their room 3 feet from where I am sitting and the smell was intoxicating, lol. 

The Lust has been fairly simple to overcome today, just keeping myself busy and praying alot.

Speaking of prayer, today was a very good day, I could feel God's presence with me the whole day.  I listened to worship music on 40 minute walk to work, and I prayed the whole time.  I prayed of all things, i followed an old prayer routine called ACTS.  Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving and Supplication.

Adoration. Is when I adore my father, God.  I praise his name for everything from the Sun, to the trees to rocks.  I look at the owrld and all that is in it and I believe that God created all of it.  In this part of the prayer I adore my Jesus.

Confession.  Seems pretty self explainotry right?  It is, its so simple its brilliant.  Clear the air between me and God, confess the sins that I have committed against him and against others.  All of us sin, everyday, some days you may sin more than others.  Some days my sins are in the world and other days my sins just consist inside of my heart.  But this is the time that I can confess everything to him and not be ashamed.  And in my confession comes forgiveness.  Forgiveness.  That is a beautiful things, I def feel like its one of God's greatest gifts.

Thanksgiving.  The Bible says that I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart.  I enter his prescence being thankful for everything.  From oxygen to my parents to my 5th grade social studies teacher to the shower that I took this morning to Tara and everything in between.  I am so thankful for the freedoms that I have in this country and I am thankful for every minute that I have on this Earth.  I know its unlikely but my life here could end any moment for any reason.  And I am thankful for the oppurtunity to live one more day.  I am thankful for Tara, sometimes our relationship is hard, stressful, sometimes it gives me anxiety, then there are the great times the smiles the laughter.  Days that I could just stay in bed with her all day, sometimes we have the best pillow talk, the intimacy that we share is the best, i cant be happier with anyone else.  All of these times, good times, bad times, laughing times, yelling times, smiles times, and tears times, pillow talk times and stressful times, I am THANKFUL for ALL of them.  I am thankful for the couch that i sleep on, dont get me wrong I wish i had my own bed and room, but the couch and living room is better than the streets.  I am blessed more than I like to aknowledge and I am thankful for each and every thing.

Supplication.  Supplication is the time when I pray for others.  Today I prayed for the guys in my bible study, I prayed for them by nae and for their families that I knew.  I prayed that they would be strong and are able to withstand the temptaions that they were struggling with.  I prayed for my family.  I prayed for Ryan and Michael.  I prayed for my boss, and his crazy wife.  I prayed for Tara.  I prayed that God would work wonders in her life.  I prayed for her family, her parents and brother.  I prayed for our relationship that it would grown and it would strengthen.  I prayed for random people that came to my mind, pastors teachers, aquantinces just random people. 

The best part about this ACTS prayer was it lasted till 1 when i got off work.  I had to take a few breaks to talk to the boss or to use the restroom, but the bible says to pray without ceasing, and it really did help my day go by better.  But not just earlier, even this evening.  I have had reason to become stressed even angry.  But i have been giving it to God and though it is hard I am just trying to find peace. 

Today has been hard, not super hard not hard enough that i have given in to any of these temptaions, but i know the worst is still to come.  Earlier today I was talking to my best friend Ryan, and I was givin him the lowdown on the things that I am trying to accomplish.  I told him that i havent been doing t for long, that I am only on day one.  HE said something really gave me encouragement.  For the record Ryan wants to keep doing the things he is doing, he still smokes, drinks, fucks, he is living the life that he wants to live, but instead of giving me shit for it, instead of trying to convince me its a bad idea.  he Said, well Dave, you cant have a day 2 without a day 1. 

This is a new Weblog for me, though its not my first.  I have another.  I have another Xanga.  It has been more then a year since I last posted on it.  IN my last entry there I said I would never post on it again.  That web log was from a different time in my life.  A time when I was confused and angry and sad, all the time.  It was from a time where I counted on others to make choices for me, when I could not decide for myself and let everyone have influence on me, be it my parents, or brothers, or friends.  Any one really. 

Everything has changed since then.  My father used to use an analogy for most things in my life, he would say that "this chapter has ended.  a new one is now."  I used to hate when he said that, but I look back and realize that as much as i wanted to shut his words out at the time, he spoke truth.  That web log is the end of a chapter in my life. And this is a new one.

This Xanga has my name as the the profile, simply DavidWhitaker, its pure, its unique, its me.  I am not writing this for anyone to read but myself.  Don't get me wrong I love when people read my words, but I am not writing this for you.  The last one I created because my friends had one, I did it to stay on the up and up with them, but now, I write because it helps me get things out.  The First Xanga was www.xanga.com/batardami you can check it out if you so desire, but I most warn you my last entry was depressing and sad and even maybe a little suicidal.  Much has changed since then.  I have found a True love, and she Loves me.  There is a story there, one, that I would love to go into, just not right now.

First I need to talk about my motives for this Xanga.  I plan on telling you the truth.  About everything.  On the old one I would post whatever it is I know people wanted to hear.  I would post things out of anger and spite and not critical thinking.  I was young and naive and didn't know what love was.  I don't just mean relationship love, I mean love from my family, love from friends, love for myself.  Most of the people I talk about in the old account are gone from me now.  Not that they are not important to me or that I have forgotten them or hate them.  I just mean that they have forgotten me.  You could say that most could have been just imaginary friends to me.  VEry few still keep in touch with me and very few still act as if they ever loved me for whom I was rather than who i was to them. 

Secondly, a lot has changed with my family.  I am still not the best brother in the world by any means, but I try.  Someone recently told me that I used to be bad person, that I used to be a monster.  It struck a chord in my heart and it burned ever so badly.  The more I think about the more I know she was right.  I was a monster.  All I cared about was my self and looked for a way in every situation to manipulate the outcome to benefit me.  I did this most with my family.  I was the perpetrator, but when confronted would play the victim.  My father saw right through it, but I could play my mother like Mozart could play the piano. I never want to play my mother again.   I stole from my father, and my brother, Joe.  My older brother, Jonathan, and I rarely got along growing up and I blamed myself for most of his shortcomings, but now I know that I am not responsible for his actions.  My youngest brother, Jeremy is not as innocent as I would like him to be anymore, but we all go through that... right?

Thirdly, I must tell you about where I am now and a short brief history between the last post there and now.  I was a recent drop out of Lon Morris College.  I was a religion major.  I was drinking heavily and sad oh so sad.  Life was bad, i had TONS of friends (whom i hope you remember were never really my friends) few of which wanted me to do well in life or cared about what happened to me if I wasn't supplying alcohol or pot to them.  I wasnt praying or following my faith in any capacity.  I was living with some friends here in Beaumont, TX.  Eventually they moved to Schenectady, NY and I moved in with my older brother, Jonathan.  Living with JOnathan wasnt healthy for me either, I didnt work I fed off of him and wallowed in self pity.  Eventually my best friend Michael Moore asked me to move to Schenectady, NY with him.  I had nothing else to lose.  I went.  I was there for about 2 months before I decided was horribly homesick and wanted to go back to TX.  I moved back in with Jonathan at the start of December.  There were some good times, but there were more bad times then good.  One day I may go into that, but not yet.  Michael called and offered me to come back, I said yes, but it wasn't just me who went back with him.  I brought 2 of my friends for the ride.  Jared and Cody.  I was there until mid September.  A lot happened over the course of those 9 months.  I found out who my friends really were.  I found out who loved me and who actually cared what happened to me.  I was still stupid with money while being there, I spent most of my money on nothing.  Very few things I can remember that were actually worth spending it on.  I could have done so much more, I could have paid of my mother and brother, Joe, I could have paid my debts to TX, I could have paid my medical bills.  I could have saved money and prepared for the rest of my life.  Once again, I didn't. 

Fourthly, I still call myself a Christian.  I still have some faith, over the past 2 years it has been tested and tested.  I have failed close to 97% of said tests.  I am not where I want to be in my faith or in my relationship with Christ, but I am working on it every day.  Its NEVER easy.  I don't doubt, I just struggle with surrendering my life to him.  I can remember when my faith was strong and I never faltered.  I was the Christian.  That changed in college.  There were signs i think before going off to school, but the biggest changes happened there.  My faith was always present there, it eventually took the back seat and then the trailer, and then to the car following me.  I would say now that he is in the back seat again, I am trying to move him towards the passenger seat and eventually the driver seat.  Its a struggle every day, but I am working very hard at it.

Finally, when I was in college one of my teachers, Zenor taught me to always save the best part of any story for last.  On the previous account I talked about girl named Brittany, I thought she was the one for me, but she wasn't she was destructive and brought me to some of the worst points in my life.  I regret ever thinking I was in love with her.  She was not what I thought she was, she turned out to be a cold-hearted bitch.  This, my readers, is the most important part of my story.  One day I will share more and more of our lives, and I am looking forward to sharing our future with you.  Her name is Tara Lee. 

When I first got to NY I was working for the store know as Journeys, I am sure most of you know the store of which I am referring to.  I was the Co-manager there.  I was outside on my break talk with my friend Jared.  This car pulled up and this beautiful woman got out of the car with 3 young girls.  Jared and I both were totally checking her out.  I thought to myself I want my wife to look that good after 3 kids.  I went back inside to the store and there she was with the girls looking at shoes.  The other employees were busy with other customers, so i immediately jumped on the sale.  I helped the girls find shoes while small talking with the woman, turns out she wasn't mom, she was their nanny.  She was so beautiful and smart.  I knew immediately that I liked this one.  We small talked a bit more found out a little bit about each other.  I wasn't sure how to ask this girl out or even for her number so i played itself and asked if I could Facebook her.  She said Yes.  I don't know why she did, but I am so glad she did.  When I got home from work I tried very hard to find her, but for some reason couldn't, so I went to the next best thing MySpace.  I found her and messaged her, we sent a few messages to each other and eventually i got the digits.  I was the man.  I invited her over a few times and she eventually did.  I was living with four other people in a 2 bedroom apartment, we didn't have much furniture and we hardly knew anyone.  I had some friends there that I worked with just hanging out smoking a blunt.  She came in and I introduced her to everyone.  My friends told me she was keeper and how right they were.  We played some board games and hung out, her and I talked for hours on the shitty couch we had.  I walked her to her car, and I wasn't sure if I should or not but I did, I tried to kiss her.  She let me.  It was perfect.  As I walked back to the house I was a bit scared and fucking cold, but i was scared because I have always had a tendency to "fall" for girls fast, but this one was different.  She had something, I couldn't explain what it was, but I really liked her.  We had some very good nights over the course of the next couple of weeks and then on January 22nd we made it official we were together.  (On a side not its important for me to tell you that is i wrote this story there was a smile on my face the whole time.) 

Our relationship was hard, it was something that I had to work at, and like most things in life, I failed.  A lot.  I hurt her so many times, I did some pretty shitty things, even unforgivable things.  I lied to her.  I cheated on her.  I betrayed her.  I hurt her so many times.  I didn't get her anything for Valentines day.  When were together things were good, but when I wasn't near her I talked shit about her.  More than I care to admit to.  I don't know why.  I wish I had a great reason for my actions, but I don't.  I was an asshole, and a jerk and just cared about myself. 

I ruined our realtionship time and time again.  I drove her away.  I even concoted this whole plan of leaving her and moving back to TX, convinced myself that I didnt care baout her.  I am ashamed at things I did.  And am in remorse every day for my sins agianst her and our realtionship.  Before I left i realized how much I cared about this woman, I realized how I never wanted to sleep without waking up next to Tara.  I left anyway.  I used to think one of my biggest regrets wasnt doing well in school or being more smart with my money or even being a better friend.  Now I know my biggest regret was leaving her.  I wish I could take it back every day.  Through all of these things, through the pain, tears, fights, arguments, hateful words and lack of caring.  I still love her.  And she loves me.  I look froward everyday to talking to her and even more I look forward to the day that I can be with her again.  The biggest mystery in all of this is how can she forgive me.  How can she still love me?  How did I get to be so lucky as to have this woman in my life?  I miss her everyday.  I know its corny and even a quote of of a movie, but she makes me want to be a better man. 

I have given you very brief history over the last year and a half.  There are so many details that I have left out, some small things, some big things.  I am sure I will write about them eventually, but tonight I just wanted you to prepare yourself for the Journey with me.  Comments and feedback are always welcome, but like I said earlier, these words are not for you.  They are for me.